I am so very blessed...

I pumped the handles back and forth my feet forcing the pedals on the elliptical forward and back with pretend vigor.  As I squeezed my eyes closed tight with tears streaming down my cheeks, I could picture my dear friend doing the same on her treadmill in the past.  She recently shared with me how hard it was when she moved a number of years ago and how as she struggled to fit into the new community she would get on her treadmill every morning and cry.

I was having a major pity-party and I was the guest of honor.  I got on my knees in prayer bawling for the second time in the past 24 hours.  I couldn't bring myself to call my friends or family because I didn't know what to say.  I couldn't put it in words and I didn't want to call with nothing but sobbing and blubbering coming from my end of the line.

I had a list of woes a mile long - I had received another job rejection the night before, I couldn't run due to an injury which was a major way I released stress and energy, every time I considered going out in the heat and humidity a dark cloud would roll in and the thunder would boom, I wanted to snuggle, kiss and play with my grandson, I wanted to have my kids over and listen to their witty banter and laughter, I wanted to sit and giggle with my friends, I wanted to stroll on the scenic trail by the river, hike through the woods without worrying about scary snakes, and I wanted to go to my parents house for dinner.  I wanted to see someone (anyone) at the grocery store that I know.  As I opened up and photographed multiple umbrellas at Target, I wanted someone to walk up and say, "Hi Patti!  For goodness sake, what are you doing?"  I wasn't surprised about these feelings, in fact after having lived in my previous town for 30 years, I would be surprised if I didn't feel this way.  However, that certainly didn't make it any easier.

I am so very blessed.  My bright spot was (and is) my absolutely wonderful husband who is kind and loving and so very, very good to me.  I almost dread telling him how I'm feeling because I don't want him to think it reflects on him in any way.  When he comes home it's the highlight of my day and I have to make a huge effort not to consume his every moment after he arrives.  I think he knows I'm struggling as he's a very smart man and he also started calling me every day on his lunch break.  He knows the day gets long for me.

I am so very blessed.  My family and friends have been wonderful by calling, emailing, and sending cards.

I am so very blessed.  Technology enables me to see my grandson playing on the living room floor and to hear him laughing and chortling. (He really doesn't coo so much any more.)

I am so very blessed.  I am able to work out on my elliptical even though the plantar fasciitis won't allow me to run right now.

I am so very blessed.  I love our new home and being able to be with Harry.

I am so very blessed.  This extra available time has allowed me to write more and to create an online Bible study.

I am so very blessed.  I have a brand new umbrella to ward off the rain.